This morning I woke up feeling horrible. Miserable horrible, not sick-hangover horrible. I hate being all suicide-y first thing in the morning. I feel this way because I’m dissatisfied (to put it mildly) with my life as it is. My life is the way it is because I can’t stick to something that would actually improve my life. And I can’t stick to something because I feel no passion.
In the long, long ago, in the before times when I was studying journalism at Rhodes I had a lecturer by the name of Angelo Fick. He hated the word “passion” because it evoked an image of making sweet-sweet love to the abstract subject it was attached to and commanded it be stricken from our vocabulary. I took this to heart, impressionable young mind that I was. I wonder though is I didn’t perhaps internalize it a bit to much.
Bashar pointed out in one of his transmissions, and I’m paraphrasing here, that the secret to The Secret was to be passionate. Moreover the secret, to the secret, to The Secret was to be passionate about being passionate. So if the only way to create the life you wish to live is to be passionate about being passionate, I couldn’t imagine myself being in a position where I am more Fucked.
All to often it feels as if life lacks flavour. I, from time to time, enjoy writing, but I am not relentlessly driven to do it, the joy of reading comics has come down to a dull monotony and music simply modulates the background. I can barely maintain interest in videogames long enough to get half-way through, never mind finish it.
All I manage to do is faff about, procrastinate. Where does my passion lie? Has the flame been extinguished forever or do I just need to find the right wood to feed the embers, dashed with some kerosene. What would make me want to jump out of bed and rush to accomplish, to compel me, to lead me to become driven?
I’m attempting to write again. I have some support on the sidelines, friendly encouragement. Fantasy novel, prequel to my failed NaNoWriMo ‘10 project. Trying to find out what the plot is. It’s not feminist, but it is anti-patriarchy. Working title: In the Presence of Men. Shall see what comes of it.
I have begun using The Release Technique/The Abundance Course. It started off spectacularly well, just in terms of the emotional side of things. I felt really really good. But then I skipped a day and it all went to shit. I still do it now, on the fly, and its become an amalgamation of Abundance Course and Sedona Method but I haven’t had the results I had from the first 3 days. So I’ve been meaning to tackle it again, from the beginning again and with an intensity of focus, but I kept finding reasons not to do it.
As Dexter likes to say, “Tonight’s the night.”