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Ping: 2013

Well it’s been about a year since my last post here. I honestly don’t have much to say. For the most part I’ve been actively blogging on Tumblr and I see WordPress is copying ideas over from there.

What’s going on with me since last I posted? Sweet fuckall. The wheel turns, nothing changes.

Earlier this year I became extremely depressed. More intensely so than I had in a long while. You want to know a funny thing? Researching suicide methodology is depressing because you find out just how hard it can prove to kill yourself.

I’m still trying to write and getting nowhere.

Still working where I was and only getting more deeply entrenched.

For the most part I’m feeling better, but the repetitive grind and never getting anywhere despite all the things I do do just really makes me want to kill myself all over again.

I’m just low right now. I may feel slightly stronger tomorrow. But that never lasts. SO over the bullshit of existing.


Geeky Distractions

Found a site that offers a quizz and suggests what kind of a D&D character you would be. So yeah, let your Geek Flag Fly.

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Human Bard (3rd Level)

Ability Scores:

Chaotic Neutral A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn’t strive to protect others’ freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy. To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it. Chaotic neutral is the best alignment you can be because it represents true freedom from both society’s restrictions and a do-gooder’s zeal. However, chaotic neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all authority, harmony, and order in society.

Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Same Old Brand New

Well here is an opportune time to use my willingness to curse and not censor myself. Fuck this motherfucking shit up its venereal diseased ass! Fuck it! Fuck Microsoft for making a program that crashes if you so much as dare to use thumbnail view when attempting to insert an image and thus making me lose the entire post I already wrote. Fuck Live Writer for not dumping the info somewhere. But Most of all Fuck Automatic for fucking coding WordPress so shitily that I am forced to fucking use this piece of shit program to get fucking any fucking thing done. Fuck you all straight to hell!

Well, now that I have gotten that out of my system, here is some music. Listen to it and do a little dance while I try and remember everyfuckingthing I just wrote and try to recreate it.

Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek (Afrojack Remix) by kbmusic

So what’s been up with me recently? Some good things and some bad things. Lets start with the bad so we don’t end with a bummer. A friendship of mine has just last week come to an end. On the one hand I’m sad that this friendship that has meant so much to me over the years has ended and on the other hand I am so deeply relieved we took it out to the backyard and put a bullet right between the eyes. I won’t elaborate on what happened, I believe my feelings on the matter are telling enough. I suppose this is where I talk about the power of perspective. Terence McKenna (the personal growth one, not the scientist) congratulated Will Smith on his success when they met. Will Smith responded, “Thanks, but I have to be honest, it’s because I’m black”. Now when it comes to this situation I am choosing my perspective, that this will be the best thing that ever happened to me. Now whenever I think about the situation I just smile to myself. Apparently it is physiologically impossible to feel sad when you smile. Now folks don’t get me wrong, I’m not denying my feelings; I acknowledge that I am das about the situation and how it happened, but I sure as hell am not going to wallow in it. This all came at a time when I made a commitment to be happy independent of my circumstances. In fact this all went down within 3 hours of making that commitment. As far as tests go, I thinking I’m doing pretty well with it.

In other news, yesterday I bought and downloaded to programs from Brain Sync: Attract Wealth and Stop Procrastinating. Just so I’m upfront, I make no promises to keep you informed as to how these programs are working out for me, that’s just a recipe for personal anguish, so it’s up to you to discern that for yourself from future posts. That being said, should I feel compelled to talk about it, I will. I did the Attract meditation last night before bed and the Stop meditation first thing this morning and I intended to stick with that formula for a while. Right now the Anytime tracks are playing, alternating. I tend to dive in with these things when I start and I hope to maintain it instead of letting it fizzle out.

Did you notice that Summer is comming?Last month I bought the Writers EFT e-book my intuition was kicking my balls in about and I have been using it on a semi-regular basis. I’ve also been very good about tracking/logging my progress going through all the tapping scripts it provides. I have however over the course of using it discovered a few of the Fundamental Lies that operate within me that the book doesn’t directly address, leaving me to improvise. One of these Lies was installed in my subconscious mind when I was between 6 and 10 years old: My mother was listening to a motivational tape series (yes I am aware of the delicious irony) when something the speaker said caused me to adopt the belief that “I will never achieve any of my dreams”. When my mother found me crying about this all she was equipped to do was scold me. Another Lie I picked up was “I never get anything I want”. As far as having sub-routines that create your reality go, these suck ass. It does however go a long way to informing the trajectory of my life thus far. I’ve tapped somewhat on the former but I really still need to tackle the latter. While I’m there I should probably deal with the “I am horrible at all sports and physical activities” Lie – I wonder when this one was installed, must have been very early on.  I must say that while EFT is great for taking the emotional charge out of something, I’m not entirely convinced the method I have been taught for emotionalising new beliefs are working.

Okay I think that was everything. Note to self – remember to talk about that big idea that involves Matrix Re-imprinting and multiple-personalities.

40D40N – What happened?

So I guess someone out there is wondering what happened to this experiment? It went Hindenburg is what happened. Allow me to elaborate;

At the end of the day going through this experiment and then feeling obligated to report on it was causing me emotional strain and stress. Not in a “Crucible of Spiritual Growth!” kind of way, but more the “Shallow and doing it for the wrong reasons!” kind of way. The problems with this experiment mirrored those I have with this blog in general. It became a must instead of for-fun. My pageviews became very important to me (which is why I had to let it flatline before posting again). I was censoring myself and editing myself for a specific readership.

I hate censoring myself. I love cursing in in every language I know (which is only two but still). And I loathe the idea that it is incongruent to be spiritual and oriented around personal growth and to drop the eff-bomb with reckless abandon. The thing is if I censor myself on the language level I will censor myself on every level ranging from meaning to big-ideas I have.

So where is this blog going? Hopefully a less censored version of myself and hopefully covering topics and things I like. So while I will still tackle topics you might find in the MindBodySpirit section of your local bookshop I’ll probably talk about videogames, comics and other “geeky” things as well as things that are happening in my life. So back to the original intention of this blog.

And to those that can’t stick around because they find swearing offensive,

So long and thanks for all the pageviews.

General Mini-Update 01

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Image by Nicholas Kennedy Sitton via Flickr

Hey all!

Wow, all. Man am I ever optimistic 😛 Anyway this is just a quick update for anyone who reads this and notices a drop in activity. There’s a reason for that. I’m working on 2 different posts at the moment and they are both proving a little difficult to articulate. Plus the second one is actually a series of post slash an experiment that you can follow along to.  But I need to collect all the resources it requires into one place, 20% of which may only be available next week.

I’m excited about this posts and I hope you’ll come back to check. Don’t be afraid to drop comments or subscribe to the blog 😀

One more thing, as a result of the experiment I’m designing my tracking/practice of Quantum Jumping has been further delayed. I know it’s what some visitors find the most interesting about this blog but that’s just the way it is at the moment. I hope to get back to talking about it as soon as I finish the experiment and I’m hoping the experiment will actually enhance the QJ experience.

Just a quickie

So it occurs to me that its been almost a week since my last update. These things happen.
My next post will probably be about Tapping/EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) but in the mean time to distract me from working the technique/writing the post I had an Inspired Thought last night that I now need to do a whole buttload of research on.
Also, PuzzleQuest has once again sunk its addictive teeth into me, so there’s that to deal with.